updates

For the past few months, Rod would change Leesa and Stephanie's facebook status any time they were foolish enough to leave their page unattended. A smorgasbord of stati invade their respective friends' news feed. The topics, though varied, would, more often than not, come back to "poop" related jokes. Eventually, Leesa and Stephanie begin to retaliate, changing Rod's facebook to status to poop-centric updates any chance they could. But their revenge was rarely fruitful; anytime Rod's status was changed, everyone would simply write it off as yet another ridiculous Rod antic. He was unstoppable, and, for some reason, impermeable to embarrassment or humiliation.

Frustrated, Leesa and Stephanie began to craft a facebook status that would truly teach Rod a lesson. They crafted a status that hinted at Rod having experienced a potential breakdown, resulting in an extended stay in an unidentified treatment facility. The prank, however, was ill received by the public, with an outpouring of concern and support. Eventually, Leesa's inbox (both computer and text) was flooded with agonized pleas: "Is Rod okay?", "What's going on?", "Is there anything we can do?", et all. The prank resulted in more work than laughs, as Leesa had to respond to every message explaining the joke that had gone horribly awry. Defeated once again, Leesa and Stephanie succumbed to the realization that perhaps there was no way of getting even.

On February 23, 2010 , Rod walked into his bedroom, only to be greeted by a particularly fowl smell. Investigation lead to a terrifying discovery: a mound of poop plopped on his bed sheet, assumed to have been left by the house cat. Shocked, Rod got to cleaning, confused over how and why the cat would commit such an atrocious act. But when attempting to update his facebook status or tweet the event, he was faced with an alarming truth: his Rod antics — his celebration of all things poop, and obsession with the satrically disgusting — would mean that no one (no one) would ever believe him, instead believing the event to be nothing more than a disgusting joke.

Somewhere, Leesa and Stephanie smiled.

and that's what adulthood is: you wake from the nightmare and realize there's no bigger bed to climb into.

I'm sitting in this wonderful, large, plush arm chair that the Abbey litters its comfortable floors with. I love this café; I feel so peaceful and confident when I'm here. I feel like all the things I have to do are so manageable. I haven't been feeling that too much lately, so any place that gives me that kind of comfort is worthy of blogging about/talking about/venting to/crying over.

I think I've been really exasperated recently. I hate the question of what my biggest fear is, mostly because I hate questions that I have no answer to. But recently I've realized that my biggest fear (as in biggest — big, big) is not growing. Not that my fear isn't growing, but that I'm scared of not growing. The idea of not growing absolutely terrifies me, mostly because I'm surrounded by some of the most wonderful people in the world — all of which have managed to change immensely. My classes this quarter have been somewhat underwhelming, but interesting and necessary nevertheless. After my 'Introduction to Film Theory & Criticism' class last quarter, I think everything else is going to just always pale in comparison. It really changed my outlook on film and everything else I hold dear to me. It made me care about my passions differently, and it, without a doubt, helped me grow.

With budget cuts rising, financial aid dwindling and resources become scarce, I've become so much more conscious of my relation to my university. I want to get the most out of my education not just because I desire it, but simply because I pay for it. So when I find myself in an intellectual slump, there is no way it won't cause me to re-think everything around me. But I also think its horrible that I equate personal development with schoolwork, as if the two are mutual exclusive. I've talked to 5 different people about this very idea over just the last two weeks: how to separate our personal growth from academic expectations; personal desires from outside obligations. I shouldn't resent an education that is optional, that I've chosen and that I'm paying for. But I think, more often than not, I do. I look at a syllabus littered with assignments, and I think about all the things I'd rather be reading. I count the number of hours I spend researching papers I have to write, and consider all the experiences I could be having.

I chose not to go abroad because I didn't want to burden of schoolwork to interfere with time I'd rather spend immersing myself in new customs and total strangers. I'm becoming more and more happy with that decision as the year continues on. I think I need these full years spent in one place. The fact that every house I move into constantly feels fleeting (I decorate with the knowledge that they will, again, be packed up in 9 months) is enough to deal with, let alone interrupting it with a semester abroad. My twenty-first birthday gift from the parents is a big one: they said they'd fully fund a trip anywhere, anytime for however long. It's a huge thought, and an even bigger gift. I feel so lucky; it grants me the kind of peace I'm lacking daily sometimes. Supportive family, loving friends, financial freedom (knock on wood), endless opportunities, youth that (at least currently) feels both fleeting and everlasting. So why do I feeling like I'm missing something? Why can't I shake a feeling of emptiness that seems to linger?

I immersed myself in a party last night where 90% of the people in the room were strangers. Spent my time going up to random unknowns asking them what their deal was, attempting to connect with the various party goers.

Of the 7 most noteworthy people I met, 5 of them came from divorced families. Go figure.

me rite prety one day.

It's rained the past week.

No, that's not the right term. It's been a damn biblical flood the last few days. This is of course coming from a twenty year old upper class Californian who considers a light shower the tell-tale signs of winter approaching. Though it's finally cleared up a bit (it was an uncharacteristically beautiful couple days this past weekend), I still feel the storm approaching: rains that have taken too long to fall; winds that are sure to knock tree branches from their redwood empire, inevitably blocking the one road that leads to campus; the downpour of avoided reading assignments; a gust of class days flying by, reminding me that the only thing that's quicker than a new quarter starting is a new quarter ending.

Most of all, I worry that I'm not growing. I'm not being challenged intellectually. These grades, these stupid letters that are supposed to mean something, have made it so that I look at them as some sort of barometer of intellect, as if another 'A' on an essay really means I'm growing. Last quarter, my Introduction to Film Theory & Analysis class proved to be the most demanding and challenging class I've ever taken. It was also, without a doubt, the single most influential curriculum I've ever been subjected to. I was reading theorists that I now praise like rock stars; writing about subjects and film's that have changed me as a student and, most importantly, a film lover; developing theories that would divide me in half. I hate not feeling that same challenge, that send sense of desire to be better than I am. Now, I'm reading a book that says:

"To delve into the topic further would require too much time. You can read more by researching further; use search engines like 'Google' or 'Yahoo!'."

Would you believe this is an actual quote? I kid you not. I want, more than anything, to know I'm getting better. And it doesn't help that anytime I sit down to write something new I convince myself that I can't write for shit, and that anything I've written that's been even remotely successful was pure luck and nothing more. I want to tell myself to "snap out of it", but I can't shake the feeling that my success has been good fortune, and that anything from here on out has the chance to fall to the wayside. I have to embrace the shitty first draft, but I can't. I can't weather the storm of potential failure.

How in the hell do I plan on moving to the East Coast if I can't deal with California drizzle?

The Kindness of Strangers

The cacophonous maze that is SFO (San Francisco International Airport) allows for vulnerability on a large scale. We, the flyers, are shuffled around from level to level, escalator to baggage claim, all in the hopes of sitting in a carpeted cylinder that hurdles through the air at ungodly speeds. It's no wonder I feel more connected to the people around me in an airport than I do anywhere else. Because in an airport, you are bound to find people going where you're going, all just as confused as you are. It's like being surrounded by people in their 20s.

There are numerous facadés: the clear "I know where I'm going" strut of faux-confidence, the subtle "I'm a tourist, enamored by the beauty of this building, but don't want to seem like one" eye darts, or the "I should have gotten here 40 minutes ago" mad dash. But with the various comings and goings that have people shuffling around the gateways is a kind of surreal comfort. I realize it more and more everytime: I love airports. They bring out the best and worst in people.

Flying in from San Diego yesterday, my checking in resulted in annoying wardrobe changes (suspenders are rarely a good idea when walking through a metal detector) and unneeded defending of my identity ("yes, security, that is me in my license photo. Yes, I am aware I look different. No, I haven't considered shaving. No, that's not a bomb, it's a bowling ball candle"). But aside from the post-9/11 formalities (the same ones that come with being a middle eastern with a desire to fly), the airport really is wonderful.

Upon landing, I had planned to take the first Marin Airporter back home, a travel of ultra-convenience considering there is an airporter terminal right outside Hamilton. However I somehow managed to miss the bus, even though I was a good ten-minutes early, resulting in me having to wait an additional hour for the next one. That is until Jesus took the wheel and granted me the gift of two strangers who happened to be driving to Petaluma, passing Hamilton on the way. They offered me a ride, and at first I kindly thanked them but told them it wouldn't be necessary. Eventually, they convinced me that it really wouldn't be a burden considering they were driving right through anyway. I obliged and thanked them profusely. Just to be on the safe side, however, I began to secretly draft an email to my stepdad where I typed up their car's license plate number, their names, descriptions of what they looked like, where they were from, any fact that could help find me once I was kidnapped and raped for days on end. But it proved unneeded.

David and Jennifer were coming back from what they affectionately dubbed their "second honeymoon" in the Victoria Islands, Vancouver. They have two sons, ages 17 and 20, and have been married for at least 25 years, if not more (David says 25, while Jennifer firmly believes it's been 27). Having gone to school in Mill Valley, they knew Marin County well, informing me of what my hometown was like before the dot-com boom hit San Francisco, making Marin County one of the most desirable locations in the country. "Mill Valley was just as rich as it is now," they assured me, "but people weren't in as big of a hurry. The town was a little more honest then."

David is a self-proclaimed comic geek, having become one in the later stages of his life. At 50, he is a wonderfully, cheery man, big in both heart and size. From what I gathered, he's a cub scout leader (perhaps for the very troop he was a member of as a child), whose Star Wars obsession has only recently begun to die down (mention that George Lucas lives in his hometown and he'll only begrudgingly mention that he still has yet to see him). But looking at David, you'd never guess him to be a follower of such things. He calls himself a farewhether sports fan, with no real interest in any of those national teams - something he and I were able to connect on. Throughout the duration of our far-too-short car ride, we spoke of comic books and their ability to aptly convey a social critique that is not possible in any other medium, his thoughts on the Star Wars prequels, his memories of the opening weekend of Episode I, and how he and I may have actually been in the same theatre for the premiere of Episode III.

Jennifer told me of their trip, recounting her desperation for a bear sighting that all residents of the Island claimed was inevitable (for the record, she didn't end up seeing one and is convinced that it's all a big lie). She told me of their hikes, their whale watching, their delicious meals and random cravings for Mexican, which she attributes to the "if I can't have it, I want it more" mentality. Their son is attempting to write a screenplay, something they're supportive of, even if they're unsure of its end result. She and David playfully bickered, but there was undeniable love between them, and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. After a trip to San Diego and a week in Wyoming, I found myself more in awe of their relationship than any of the 'natural beauties' I've had the pleasure of seeing this summer.

They dropped me off and I begged them to let me either pay for gas or their airport parking, but they refused, simply asking me if I wanted them to stay until I was picked up. I told them it wasn't necessary and, after a thousand more thank yous, we parted ways.

There is a kindness that emanates from people in the strangest of times; potentially the same people who control, comment and condemn others whom they know nothing about. I wish, perhaps more than I can ever explain, that I could understand why that kindness shines through when it does, but the point is simply that it does. And I was lucky enough to experience it first hand. There are times when I loose my faith in the people I'm surrounded by. And, as a result, it takes those soul shaking interactions to remind me that my skin and clothes don't matter too much.

It's an honesty that comes with the strangers who help those that can give them nothing but thank yous and good wishes. And it says something when I experience these interactions in the strangest of places and the oddest of times. Had I not asked Jennifer to watch my bag as I went to break a $5 for the airporter, she would never have known where I was heading, never would have noticed the bus leave one level above where I was, and never would have bothered to offer me that ride. And whether she realizes it or not, her and her husband changed me.

My stubborn refusal to heed the warning of never talking to strangers resulted in an, albeit, temporary, interaction that has managed to leave a long lasting impression on me, reminding me that the most important thing we can do as people is to fill the void between us with random acts of kindness, small in theory but gargantuan in effect. In a time where disillusionment is plentiful and rewards are a rarity, I am lucky to have experienced this first hand.

I am luckier, however, that I wasn't kidnapped and asked to put on the lotion. Seriously, worst end to a summer ever.

SI,TW.

It's 3 am, and I'm sitting in my kitchen making Annie's and trying to write a film review. Today, I went to lunch with Hadas, helping her find the world's most perfect outfit in the process. Visited Claire Martin after, where we talked and took a nap together. The intimacy of a very long and complex friendship. Where to go from here?

People are slowly begin to go back to their respective schools/new lives/what-have-yous. Home is becoming something much different nowadays. Still, though, I find myself reminiscing, perhaps once too often, about the days when the bubble that extended from Marin to San Francisco was enough to keep me -- scratch that, all of us -- satisfied.

In other news, I'm pretty sure my dentist tried to kill me the other day. What a profession to take on, one in which you know that everyone who walks through the door is there only because they have to be. I was there about 6 months ago, and the same 1996 issue of Highlights magazine was on top of the dated, scarp stack. Seriously, a subscription to even Reader's Digest? Anything? Sorry, y'all, but I'm an anti-dentite and proud of it. Suck it, Tim Watley.

More.

What a night. So much discussed, not enough digested.

After two years of college, and a summer where we've all found ourselves scattered from oceans apart to states away, tonight may have honestly been the culmination of where everyone currently is; take that to mean whatever you want it to. Being in Keith's van, high out of my mind, with people I respect, love, admire, learn from, etc, is honestly the most purifying experience I could ever hope for right now. Nothing is clear with anything I'm doing, and there is a grounding that comes with surrounding myself with people that continue to support and push me. These friends have managed to pass beyond just mundane relationships - there is actual understanding here, and there is promise of more.

I'm currently sitting under my covers, trying my best to take in everything I've experienced/learned tonight. In addition, I'm outlining a film review, mapping out the future of what is becoming a more professional blog and watching old Batman cartoons. I am in ageless limbo.

I christen this: 'something'

Okay.

Between LiveJournal (which I only frequent to read, and occasionally post for my own keepings) and Tumblr (my favorite blogging platform, although it's more of a scrapbook than anything else), this is my third online blog. I don't know how to separate this from anything else, but I think I'll use both. Maybe copy and paste some of the things from there on to here? Make this more personal, the other more professional? Who knows. The beauty of blogs, as with all free things, are that excess is not just an option, it's nearly a requirement. I have a tendency to overuse and overneed, a minimalist I am not. For this, like all things else, I will attempt concession.